Skuffet

Disappointed, Im totally disappointed about life, nothing is like Id want it to be but its well known that my dreams could never become real but, even if its not a surprise and Im quite used to it, Id like to destroy something for the amount of rage Ive inside instead of being always quite and limit myself to blasphemies (thousands a day, but theyre only words...acts are more effective!).
Disappointed by men, why do they all see me only as a sexual toy and not like a person?
-Hey, even if I put my tounge in your mouth for 3 hours and felt your tits were still friends as I dont wanna have love relations at the moment, but its good to see you once a month just for having sex even if Im not interested in you but for your vagina. 
-Hello there, Im a great bit of ass who can have anything he wants, at the moment were together so why dont u decrease the pressure of my khram with a liquid explosion or with a shag? You know, I could have someone else but now youre here and Ive a certain sexual urge.
-Come on, even if were friends we could just have sex for the sake of it, there wont be any consequence of it since its only a gesture of pure physical attraction between a man and a woman and I dont give even a fuck of age difference cause genitals are the same.
I wanna be sick, I wanna be sick. The latter thing hurt me more because its an excerpt of the conversation of last night, I was a bitch in the first wo cases satisfying those mens necessities but I wont be the same now, I quitted with men on August because I prefer to be an asexual frigid spinster than a sexy toy in mens hands, Im waiting for the right person able to give me sweetness and cuddling me for hours instead of talking about blowjobs, shags and hand jobs at once!
Disappointed by myself because it always ends in the same way: I fuck up everything just thinking to do the right thing but always turning in a complete destruction of all things I really believed in and were my main hope to live a better life in future. Ok, Im a loser and I should be used to feel like this but its hard to admitt to have been destroyed by your own hands; my official saying of 2006 seemed to be "Destroy all dreams illusions damned in fire" since no dream of mine turned to be true in a whole year and Ive never dreamed to be as rich as Bill Gates is! So even simple dreams never turned in reality, Im really damned to live a senseless life, wicked!
Since Im a bit angry I should tell you another thing I cant bear: why the fuck should I spend the new years eve night wandering like a gypsy all night long in a very ugly city instead of staying in a warmer place and get possibly totally drunk? I dont wanna an eve like that (disappointed for this too), I dont wanna go to walk around in a place I dont like waiting for midnight and then stay at cold temperature other 6 hours to wait for a fucking train to go back home, Id rather prefer to be at home alone and dont call me misanthrope cause the idea to spend 10 hours to wander on foot in a december night is just silly IMHO!
New years coming and thiss the time to make a report of the whole 2006. An year of the greatest contrappositions ever seen in my life; my feelings were treated in the worst possible way, treaded on without any respect but, on the side of satisfactions, Ive found good friends that still like going out with me (a thing quite rare in my life) then Ive found out again my special net bf but thiss another story.
What do I hope for 2007? Revenge (oh yeah), more satisfactions, realizing at least one project of mine (one out of 4/5 at least), improving my english with a travel abroad and some secret proposals Ill never write here.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

"Dødsfrykt tek deg halsen om"

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